Baby boomer jet realizes it may never be able to retire

After reviewing its Thrift Savings Plan statement and a growing pile of maintenance bills, a B-52 bomber broke down, realizing it would likely never be able to retire.  The B-52, known officially as the “Stratofortress” but colloquially as “BUFF” (for Big Ugly Fat F#cker), first flew in 1952 …

BUFF flight crew on standby
Image via StartAt60.com

– News covered by Quincy Quarry News.

Baby boomer jet realizes it may never be able to retire.

From Quincy Quarry’s snarky media brethern at DuffleBlog comes word of an all too common problem for those past a certain age: the need to keep working well past traditional retirement age.

Major T. J. “King” Kong going for last flight …
A Hawk Films/Colombia Pictures image

On the 67th anniversary of its maiden flight, BUFF confided to friends that it planned to retire so it could revisit old targets, spend time with the grandchildren, and eventually settle down in southern Arizona.

However, increasing tensions between the U.S. and Russia, along with the bomber’s failure to set aside enough money for retirement led to BUFF’s decision to stay in the service until at least 2029.

Grumpy old men
A Warner Brothers image

“I’ve got a leaky fuel bladder, and my wings are really starting to sag,” BUFF groaned during a pre-flight inspection.  “But my country needs me, and to be honest, I didn’t really plan for retirement. I guess I always thought I would die during the Cold War, burning in after dropping a nuclear load on those commie bastards.”

The bomber’s decision to stay in service required the Air Force to program an additional $14 billion in modernization funding to cover the cost of electronics upgrades, CPAP machines, and recurring erectile dysfunction prescriptions.

The B-52 is not the only aircraft disappointed in its decision.

“Some of us Gen X aircraft are ready to step up and take the reins,” said another long-range strategic bomber who wished to remain anonymous.  “But that selfish clunker just doesn’t know when to leave.

General Jack D. Ripper will never surrender
A Hawk Films/Columbia Pictures image

Even worse, it struts around the gym locker room with no pants and spends most of the day at maintenance appointments.”

Sadly, the B-52 is not the only aircraft that will continue to work well past its intended service life.  The UH-1 Huey retired in 2016 but immediately began work as a contractor in places such as Afghanistan to supplement its income.

One of the B-52’s pilots, Lt. Col. Jim “Scruff” Weakley, said the bomber recently began investing in gold and started a reverse mortgage, but it will most likely continue to work until it dies on the job or wins a Mega Millions jackpot.

Source: Baby boomer jet realizes it may never be able to retire

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