Happy Ending Tales Part VII – No DCR for You?

 Quincy Quarry News Story
In the wake of Charlie Baker’s widely expected victory and the also widely suspected sore loser Marcia Chokely again choking, Governor-elect Baker has proceeded to implement an open mic and recorded policy on all official phone calls which are – in turn – available for all to hear online at www.BakerListens&Speaks.gov.
Following is transcript of one such a conversation as well as that Quincy Quarry is pleased to be the first news service in the country to publish a transcript of any such www.BakerListens&Speaks.gov conversation.
To further enhance the transparency in the traditional darkness that is Massachusetts government, Baker has also announced that he will do his best to head off backroom deal grifters as well as not make all many no-show patronage hack hires as he proceeds to try to clean up mess that is Massachusetts state government after 8 years of super majority single party rule.
For example, as for trimming the considerable pork on Beacon Hill, Baker’s staff has reached out to Iowa Republican US Senator-elect Joni Ernest for suggestions as well as surgical training.
Following is the very first congratulatory call made to Charlie by a (putatively, ed.) Democratic elected official, Quincy Mayor Thomas P. Koch, a well-known backroom deal grifter and hack hire payroll larder.
Well, actually Koch’s call was technically the second (putatively, ed.) Democratic congratulatory call as an rumored to be extremely anxious Koch called Baker’s cellphone at around 3 am a handful of hours after the polls closely on Election Day and was told in no uncertain terms by a so awakened from a sound sleep Baker to call back on Thursday afternoon.
In the meanwhile, the long said to be spiteful Marcia has yet to make the traditional de riguer congratulatory call to Baker.
Mayor Thomas P. Koch:  Hi Charlie – Mayor Koch here.
Siri©: Siri© here.  Please be advised if you say on the line that this call will be recorded – BEEP!!!

Siri ©

Mayor Thomas P. Koch:  What the (unintelligible).
Governor-elect Charlie Baker:  Tommy – so, what do you think of Siri©?
Mayor Thomas P. Koch:  (again, unintelligible).
Siri©:  This call is being recorded for veracity control purposes – BEEP!!!
Mayor Thomas P. Koch:  (after a short tongue-tied pause) Big win on Tuesday Charlie!
Don’t forget that I saw to it that Quincy put you over the top.
Governor-elect Charlie Baker:  I saw the numbers and – quite frankly – Ariel’s Constant Contact list was far more effective at getting out votes for me than all of the votes cast by your high school classmates on the City of Quincy payroll.
Oh, and I’ve seen the video of you spending all day on election day holding a sign for your brother-in-law State Senator John Keenan at the polls.
Mayor Koch:  Not ALL day.
Governor-elect Charlie Baker:  Close enough.
Koch:  A win is a win.  Moving along, any chance that you can see your way to encourage Marcia to leave me alone for the next two months?
Governor-elect Baker:  Not my call to make.  Plus, Marcia hasn’t called me with her congratulations and I am not calling her.  I don’t have time for such idle chit-chat as I need to ramp up my transition into the Corner Office. 
Koch:  Again, a win is a win.
Governor-elect Baker:  One only slightly better than in Milton, Patrick’s hometown, and where I was all but burned in effigy in 2010.  What happen with the Ward 7 vote?

Quincy Ward 7

Koch:  The city’s postal meter jammed right before the mailing deadline for absentee ballots.  I promise that it won’t happened again next year.
Governor-elect Baker:  I am not on the ballot next year – but isn’t your current term up next year?
Koch:  Speaking of the New Year, how’s it looking for me to be named Commissioner of the Department of Conservation and Recreation in your administration?
That and it looks like my time in local politics has run its course.
Governor-elect Baker:  You break it, you own it – not my problem.
Koch:  But Charlie, I turned my back on my purported Democratic Party allegiance.
Governor-elect Baker:  Tommy, let’s be honest, it was more like petty payback over Marcia’s prosecuting your fellow grafter Tim “Patronage Happens” Cahill.
Koch:  True that – you got me.
Now, about the big job at DCR, I have great plans for DCR projects already to go, including completely redoing the landscaping around Beacon Hill – as majestic as is the State House, it could use some fountains and a couple more Hooker statues.

State House, Boston

Siri©:  This call is being recorded – BEEP!!!
Koch:  (incomprehensible muttering . . . ) I have also already worked up plans for remodeling the Commissioner’s office.
Want to see the carpet sample?  It’s custom-woven 100% virgin merino wool.
Governor-elect Baker:  Not gonna happen – at least not for a lousy 1,148 vote differential – especially after my team cross-checked who voted in Quincy on Ariel’s Constant Contact list versus your campaign contributors lists.
Granted, the later took some doing as so many of your contributors vote in Quincy but live elsewhere.  Even so, it eventually became obvious that your hack hires and fellow North Quincy High classmates pretty much failed to get out to vote as Quincy continues to set new lows for voter turnout.
Koch:  Charlie, please – allow me to explain: we do a really good job of discouraging Asians from voting in Quincy – an excellent job as a matter of fact.
Addition by subtraction works – at least it does in the Q.  How else do you think I have managed to say in office?
Governor-elect Baker:  That and how just about everything else is grifted in the Q – not to mention that I heard all about “The Reverse Cahill.”
Koch:  The what?
Siri©:  BULL BLEEP!!!
Governor-elect Baker:  Don’t try to play dumb with me.  Granted, you are, but that’s a whole other matter.
More importantly, I read all about the Reverse Cahill in Quincy Quarry.  In fact, I read it daily.  I love its hard-hitting and no-holds barred style, especially with its coverage of you.
Plus, Raygun isn’t as clever as you think – The Reverse Cahill reeks of his usual MO.
Koch:  You don’t really belief anything written in that rag do you?
Governor-elect Baker:  Its batting average is essentially perfect.  Imagine what it could do for the Sox’s line-up, not to mention that Quincy Quarry regularly scoops BOTH the Globe and the Patriot Ledger.

Facepalm

Koch:  (more incomprehensible muttering)
Governor-elect Baker:  Back to the DCR – three words: NOT gonna happen.
I have sound and proper expectations of performance and skills of my team members.  You have neither.
For but two examples of where you have failed miserably – as well as often:  staying on budget and meeting deadlines.
Koch:  Charlie, it’s not like it’s your money.  Plus, what about my planning skills?
Governor-elect Baker:  Tommy, I promised to cut the pork on Beacon Hill and that is what I am going to do.  In fact, my team has scheduled a training session this weekend with Republican Iowa US Senator-elect Joni Ernest to learn how to emasculate pork.
Speaking of pork, is it just me or have you put on some weight since we last meet face to face?

Koch For Quincy Facebook Photo

Koch:  But what about my grandiose plans?
Siri©:  MORE BLEEP . . .
Governor-elect Baker:  Tommy, it’s like this:  I am planning to hit the ground running in January after a proper and seamless transition.
You, on the other hand, are an albatross.
Koch:  I only wish that I was light enough to fly.  As it is, even Jet Blue requires that I book myself two seats whenever I fly.
Governor-elect Baker:  Speaking of trouble, I read Ariel the riot act after I was nearly ambushed on WGBH FM about your ties to Cahill, including all of his former staff members now on your payroll.  I only just barely tape danced my way out of its studio alive.
Koch:  Charlie, such is part of The Quincy Way.  Plus, none of them can get a job in the private sector that pays anywhere close to as much I play them.  Or any job for that matter.
Siri©:  True that!!!
Governor-elect Baker:  Maybe that’s the way things works in Quincy, but it’s not my way.
Koch:  Moving along, what about supporting my application for $40 million in state I-Cubed Funding so I can build my $30 million dream theme park in front of City Hall?
Governor-elect Baker:  Tommy, I heard all about how Administration & Finance’s rejected your application for $40 million in state funding wherein you claimed that Street-Works was going to move ahead on a $1.3 billion redevelopment project.
Koch:  Actually, it was a $1.6 billion plan and the application was put on hold.
Governor-elect Baker:  The never ever gonna happen $300 million in new utilities and other municipal infrastructure improvements do not count – at least not anywhere near the way you were counting them.
Interesting grift, however – but now Street-Works is long gone and regardless of what you were claiming a year ago.
Koch:  Thanks.  My team is aces when it comes to creative counting.
Siri©:  DOUBLE BULL BLEEP . . .
Governor-elect Baker:  Not that clever.  After all, even A&F saw through it, not to mention that you can hold onto the application hold until the cows come home.  That or you are named the winner on “The Biggest Loser”
In the meanwhile, Quincy Quarry keeps ripping you new ones over your overcooked books.  I only wish that I could contract out forensic accounting investigations to it – but it’s a news publication so I can’t.
I can, however, look forward to passing along its upcoming exposés for free to the appropriate authorities and so save taxpayers fortunes.
Koch:  Moving along Charlie, come January, it’s a whole new ballgame.
Governor-elect Baker:  True that too “Short Round”- not to mention that I will be the one large and in charge.
Which reminds me, I have to give Bump a call.
Koch:  (even more incomprehensible muttering)
Governor-elect Baker:  Look, I’ve got things to do and people to see – so let’s get it over with: what’s the grift that you want to pitch this time?
Koch:  Well, I have potential good news.  I am hoping and praying that Quincy Mutual will opt to throw even more good money after bad already lost by restarting the Merchants Row project.
Figure on around a $60 million redevelopment project in Quincy Center.
Governor-elect Baker:  So, like – MAYBE – 5% of what you were long touting Street-Works would do?
Koch:  A $60 million project in Quincy is huge, especially the way things haven’t been working out as planned.

Old Quincy Hospital Stock Photo

Siri©:  True that!!!
Governor-elect Baker:  I am well aware of your spending habits.  For example, how you’ve often blown through millions before lunchtime.
Oh, and is that how you developed such a large appetite?
Koch:  Charlie, again, what about the 40 large? My entire legacy as Mayor of Quincy depends on it – especially given how poorly everything else has played out for me.
Governor-elect Baker:  And as I noted to you previously when I was last in Quincy, if you can line up $400 million or so in money in the bank guaranteed funding for truly new to Massachusetts commercial redevelopment to Quincy Center – and thus not modest multi-unit residential developments woefully light on parking spaces as well as mostly outside of Quincy Center special tax redevelopment district – within Quincy Center, I won’t get in the way of your seeking $10 million in state funding for a new bridge other the MBTA tracks near the Burger King on Burgin Parkway.
Also again be reminded that housing as it doesn’t count for much for I-Cubed grant approval scoring purposes.
That – and also again: no more fairy dust.
Pull something real together – for a change – and I will also see what I can do to help scrounge up a half million or so so that you can continue to sod things up after the Hancock Street realignment project is completed.
Plus, I am confident that a simple grass green in Quincy Center would go a long ways to at least slow down John Adams’ spinning in his grave over the still ongoing Woodward School mess.
But you can fuhgeddaboudit on seeing $30 million more in state funding for your proposed acre and half water park in front of City Hall no matter what Ron says.  Not gonna happened on my watch unless you can line up at least an additional billion dollars in new as well as rock-funded commercial redevelopment in Quincy Center.
More importantly, if I get even but a mere hint of a perhaps possible whiff of a potential FlynnFlam, you can expect visits from Carmen and Maura and it wouldn’t be to attend one of your infamous bond money-funded buffets.
Koch:  Can I get back you?
Governor-elect Baker:  Sure, so long as you actually have something in place as well as FULLY guaranteed – NO MORE FLYNNFLAM-STYLE FAIRY DUST!!!
Oh, and do be sure to note that I have a new personal cellphone number and it’s unlisted.  No more 3 AM calls to me for me unless it’s something truly important – say, a FEMA sort of disaster.
Koch:  (even more incomprehensible muttering yet)
Siri©:  Have a nice day!
 
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