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“Trust me, do NOT get between me and my cubs!”
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First a real life story about a cocaine-amped bear was adapted as the basis for a wicked funny dark comedy movie classic and now from Brazil comes word of sharks testing positive for cocaine.
Needless to say, the storyline for an expedited Snarknado 2025 feature is thus now all but a given.
Researchers are not sure of how and where the sharks are scoring blow but are surely hoping to rely on their findings to date so as to at a minimum score more research funding.
In the meanwhile, it is the cold time of the year in South America and thus people are spending less time in the water.
Or at least one would hope that they are staying out of the water hard upon the recent end of Shark Week 2024.
Because apparently, the ocean wasn’t dangerous enough with just regular sharks. Now, we have these apex predators cruising around like they’re extras in a Scorsese film. Fantastic.
Let’s break this down: apparently, somewhere along the line, drug smugglers decided the best way to move their product was by dumping it into the ocean, turning our friendly neighborhood sharks into coked-up party animals. What’s next? Heroin-addicted dolphins? Ecstasy-fueled jellyfish raves? The marine life of today is becoming more like a drug-fueled nightclub from the ’80s.
And can we talk about the Discovery Channel’s enthusiasm for this? It’s like they found the perfect blend of sensationalism and absurdity. Move over, Sharknado, here comes the real-life, drug-addled version of Jaws. I can see the tagline now: “Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, the sharks got high.”
In any case, “Cocaine Sharks!” is the perfect storm of modern problems: drug trafficking, environmental pollution, and our insatiable appetite for ridiculous headlines. The only thing missing is a reality TV show about the marine biologists trying to clean up this mess. Stay tuned for “Rehab Reef: The Shark Intervention.