Pentagon officials fired a senior bureaucrat after he accidentally made a decision, breaking decades of tradition and spurring fears that the building may become more efficient, sources confirmed.
– News about elsewhere covered by Quincy Quarry News.
Pentagon senior executive fired for inadvertently making a decision.
From Quincy Quarry’s also snarky media brethren at DuffleBlog comes word of this momentous as well as all but unprecedented event occuring within the Department of Defense.
Pentagon officials fired a senior bureaucrat after he accidentally made a decision, breaking decades of tradition and spurring fears that the building may become more efficient, sources confirmed today.
“So many processes had to fail for this to happen,” said Colonel Stephen Newell. “This system is designed to delay decisions indefinitely … or at least spread risk among dozens of generals and SES’s so that no single leader can be held accountable.” After this revelation, blood trickled from Newell’s nose and then he collapsed.
Dr. Jonathan Northfield, a Pentagon mathematician, was not all that surprised by the incident, however. “It was a statistical eventuality … like the infinite monkey theorem,” said Northfield, referring to the theory where a monkey randomly hitting keys on a typewriter for an infinite amount of time will eventually churn out Shakespeare’s complete works.
“Witherspoon was the monkey who accidentally wrote King Lear.”
The fired bureaucrat, Donald Witherspoon, a Senior Executive Service (“SES”) civilian on the Army staff, began working at the Pentagon after he retired as a colonel weeks before he was supposed to deploy for the first time.
The incident occurred when Witherspoon returned from a meeting and mistook a staff action packet for a coloring book.
After keeping mostly within the lines, WItherspoon was so pleased with himself that he signed the document and then passed it along to his executive officer.
In turn, the unwitting bureaucrat so became the first senior executive since 1952 to make a decision in the Pentagon.
But not to worry about Witherspoon.
A consulting firm has already offered Witherspoon a position to sit quietly at meetings and alternate facial expressions between a vacant smile and a concerned scowl for double his current salary.