Martha Stewart will not be dining with Quincy Quarry this Thanksgiving …

– Fine Dining News from Quincy Quarry News!

Wear your helmet – the relatives are coming …
A Google Search Doodle

Ms. Stewart will not be joining Quincy Quarry for Thanksgiving this year.

Reasons include that the Quarry news crew is planning on binge watching today’s three National Football League games.

That and binging on buffalo wings and beer during the games.

“Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I’m telling you in advance, so don’t act surprised.  Since Ms. Stewart won’t be coming, I’ve made a few small changes:

Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries.  After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.

Not the Quincy Quarry game buffet spread
Image via informationweek.com

The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china or crystal goblets.  If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork.  Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.

Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised.  Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration that has been hand-crafted from the finest construction paper.  The artist assures me it’s a turkey.

We will be dining fashionably late.  The children will entertain you while you wait.  I’m sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. 

Marthe Stewart prison living …
Image via Jaile-mulex.com

Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds.

As accompaniment to the children’s recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming.  If the children should mention that I don’t own a recording of tribal drumming or that the tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. 

They are lying.

We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast.  In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method.  We’ve also decided against a formal seating arrangement. 

Thanksgiving kitchen fire response team
A Reuters file photo

When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like.  In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table.  In a separate room.  Next door.

Now I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers.  This will not be happening at our dinner.  For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. 

I stress “private” meaning this: Do not, under any circumstances enter the kitchen to laugh at me.  Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress.  I have an electric knife.  The turkey is unarmed.  It stands to reason that I will eventually win.  When I do, we will eat.

Is the ex-con Domestic Diva dining with her parole officer this year?
Image via the Huffington Post

Oh, before I forget, there is one last change.  Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie.  Garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints.  You will have a choice.  Take it or leave it.

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving.  Come to think of it, she probably won’t make it next year either.  I am thankful!”