The recent visit to Quincy by Charlie Baker, the Republican candidate for Governor of Massachusetts, ratcheted up Mayor Koch’s knickers higher than anyone would ever want to know.
After all, shameless flirtations of at least feigned disloyalty do not play well with State Democratic Party establishment even if it is not wild about its own candidate for Governor.
So as to endeavor to effect a private and secure post visit sitrep debriefing, Team Koch rolled out the Cone of Silence.
After all, no one in Koch Administration would care to suffer any blowback from any of its hypothetical points of discussion “mistakenly” ending up misconstrued as the outright planning of sedition against the one party state oligarchy that is Massachusetts and to which it purports allegiance.
Fortunately for Quincy Quarry, its City Hall insider “French Kiss” has a perfect memory.
As such, following is a verbatim from memory transcript of the meeting that was passed to Quincy Quarry investigative reporter Carl Woodward via a “dead drop” in one of the many dark and dirty garages in Quincy.
Even better, the Koch Administration has yet to figure out who is the carbuncle on the mayoralty.
Attending this meeting were Mayor Koch, his Consigliere, spokesmodel Pinocchio Walker, his Chief of Staph, Joey the Puppet master, and George Raygun, President of Raygun Prevarications and longtime campaign fixer.
Quincy Mayor Tom Koch: There has to be an opportunity – somehow or other – for me to cut a beneficial for me deal with Baker.
On the other hand, I really need to get Martha to lay off on business as usual in Quincy – I look really bad in orange.
Consigliere: We really shouldn’t be having a partisan political meeting inside of City Hall.
Mayor Koch: What’s the problem? This is nothing like one of our VIP campaign fundraising events.
Consigliere: Different problem.
Mayor Koch: Again, what’s the problem? Plus, I can invoke the personal safety exemption clause given the recent parking riots in front of the Quincy Center MBTA station.
Consigliere: There is no personal safety exemption.
Mayor Koch: There should be. I’ll ask my brother-in-law John to file a bill for one on Beacon Hill.
Joey the Puppet Master: Gentlemen, let’s not digress from the important issues. For example, was this room duly checked for bugs – or any rats?
George Raygun, President of Raygun Prevarications: I’ll second that concern.
Chief of Staph: Not to worry, I had Vinnie V from IT sweep the room for bugs.
Joey the Puppet Master: And people wonder why I’m hypertensive . . .
Mayor Koch: Now, now – not to worry: we’re under the Cone of Silence.
Joey the Puppet Master: But is it rat-proof?
Mayor Koch: Not to worry. Pinocchio, do you have any ideas on how we can successfully play Baker?
Spokesmodel Pinocchio Walker: I got nothing – I am exhausted from having to spend all of my time over at the QHA (Quincy Housing Authority, ed.) trying to help save Steve’s buddy Jimmy. So far it looks only so-so – at best – that he can be saved.
Fortunately, Steve is working on a plan to set up Jimmy with yet another new no-show job.
Mayor Koch: So much for Pinocchio. Staph – do you have any ideas?
Chief of Staph: Croatia, Kazakhstan, Dubai, Western Sahara and Bhutan. None has a functional extradition treaty with the US.
Consigliere: Nice work Staph!
Mayor Koch: No argument, nice work – but I could never take the heat in Dubai or the Sahara and Quincy’s Albanians would dime me out in a heartbeat so that they could pull off a prisoner exchange deal with the Croatian Government.
Plus, I haven’t a clue where are Kazakhstan and Bhutan.
Chief of Staph: Both are in Central Asia. I suspect you’ll like Kazakhstan. Granted, it’s a bit out of the way, but it is run by a dictator – you’ll feel right at home.
Mayor Koch: Have any travel brochures?
Consigliere: Gentlemen, again, we are going off topic. Does anyone have any ideas on how to play Baker?
Mayor Koch: Before anyone offers up anything as well as before I might opt to officially sell out the Party, does anyone know if there’s any chance that Kiley can patch up things yet again with Marsha?
After all, not only has he managed to keep me out of serious legal trouble – at least so far – with her, he got her to shake down Honeywell for 4 large with nothing more from us other than a punch shorter than anything we’ve ever accomplished on any of my projects?
Joey the Puppet Master: Nope. That ship has sailed. Not only did you forget to send her a thank you note for her successfully shaking down Honeywell, you haggled with her over her statutory cut to cover her expenses.
Hell hath no fury like a female prosecutor scorned.
Mayor Koch: Hey, I need the money.
George Raygun, President of Raygun Prevarications: (shaking head facepalm)
Mayor Koch: Anyone have any ideas?
Mayor Koch: George, you are the fixer extraordinaire – what would you suggest?
George Raygun, President of Raygun Prevarications: Tom, before I might weigh in, when is Deb finally going to pay off the long past due balance on my retainer as well as cover it for this year?
Also note that my attending this meeting runs extra.
Mayor Koch: Not to worry – the check’s in the mail.
George Raygun: Don’t mess with me. Do I have to go cash prepayment BEFORE any and all meetings are merely but scheduled?
Mayor Koch: Cash after this meeting OK with you?
George Raygun: Are you sure that you have enough on hand?
Mayor Koch: No to worry, the monthly envelopes just arrived.
George Raygun: Fine. The way I see it is that you do a “reverse Cahill?”
(Perplexed silence by all others in the room)
Mayor Koch: (Finally, after an extended pause) A what?
Raygun: Simple. Tommy, have you seen your favorability ratings lately? Only Dzhokhar Tsarnaev has a worse local Q-score than yours.
Therefore, here’s the way to play things: if you endorse Baker, other than your dwindling number of loyal Kool Aid drinking supporters, everyone else in town will rush to the polls to vote for Marsha.
This way, even when Marsha loses statewide, at least she wins Quincy and you can tell Charlie that you did your best. This way, both of them are less livid with you than they might otherwise be.
My staff will provide you with the text for the calls to both of them after the election – NO going off script. Remember what happened the last time you tried to ad lib?
Plus, now you have to worry about Quincy Quarry’s covering your every word and move.
You will also have to pray harder than you have ever prayed before in your entire life that she forgets about what all she has on you during her last 7 weeks as a lame duck Attorney General. After all, she’s well-known to be a sore loser and you don’t want to be her punching bag on her way out the door.
Oh, and trust me, Charlie already knows what little your best entails.
Consigliere: (lawyerly silence)
Staph: (gobsmacked silence)
Pinocchio: (awe struck silence)
Mayor Koch: (dumb silence)
Raygun: And yet all of you wonder why I make the big bucks. Speaking of bucks, wrap ‘em up – I gotta go.
Mayor Koch: OK, but what do I do about 2015?
Raygun: Bhutan – the Kurdistani love to play old school polo with the heads of Christian Infidels.